Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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i want to work in this restaurant
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
That’s enough internet for the day
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I have a black belt in leather
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.