So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday