bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.