Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
You Might Also Like
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.