If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Dammit Chief not again
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
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[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.