Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT