I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
You Might Also Like
Covid like
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
This is amazing.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!