WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Banking tips
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.