Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?