Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please