“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.