Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
couldn’t resist
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.