me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You Might Also Like
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Monday
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.