[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag