[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
👾👾👾
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life