Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
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Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant