“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Gods work.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe