Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Lmao
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it