Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.