My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us