I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
When you’ve simply given up.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
nobody’s gonna understand
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading