[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.