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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I think about this a lot
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
*exercises sarcastically*
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020