Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*exercises sarcastically*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people