The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
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The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
what’s the point then??
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*