My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying