a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon