that wasn’t the question
You Might Also Like
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
somebody come look at this
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I triple waxed for this?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’