idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
You Might Also Like
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
the official breakfast of 2021
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.