I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.