I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was