Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 馃檭
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it鈥檚 the one i was born on
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
4th Wiseman: I鈥檒l just get him a gift card.
ME: *grasping wife鈥檚 hand* omg he鈥檚 going to say his first words
WIFE: c鈥檓on buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d鈥檃wwwww
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Wait for it…馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What鈥檚 updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that鈥檚 also my reason
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: You鈥檙e SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video