I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
You Might Also Like
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
the answer was staring at me all along
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years