this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
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Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
i can’t wait that long
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here