ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.