single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.