My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
You Might Also Like
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Got him!
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS