Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Love this one 😂🧟
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.