My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
mood
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
This one’s “Alex”.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
#milo
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
beware of dog
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.