I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
You Might Also Like
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.