Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?