I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
sry
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it