Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic