The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.