People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Boom, boom, ching!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.