Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.