Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
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Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Not my job 😂
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow