Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?