Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I can’t wait!
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
inside you are two wolves
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework