A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
They’re the worst 😩
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”